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LENGTH: Category
SENSUALITY: Carnal

Cover art (c) Eliza Black 2004
ISBN 1-58608-398-8
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"Jaide Fox certainly knows how to create stimulating characters and arouse a reader's emotions with her latest creation, INTERGALACTIC PAIN IN THE ASS. The sexual tension is exhilarating, the plotline electrifying, and the characters well-written in this journey through space. Get your copy of INTERGALACTIC PAIN IN THE ASS today." Sinclair Reid, Romance Reviews Today

"Five Hearts! I got three words for ya: OH, MY, GOD! Witty. Hysterical. Action packed. Nothing was left out. This story was non-stop from beginning to end. Yes it is a science fiction romance, but lovers of all erotic romance genres will enjoy this imaginative work." Amy L. Turpin, The Romance Studio

"Five Blue Ribbons! Fantastic, INTERGALACTIC PAIN IN THE ASS is one of those books you cannot help but enjoy. It brightened my day. Not only were the dialogue and the antics of the characters hilarious, it's action packed, filled with exciting moments and erotic. Jaide Fox’s play on words from various sci-fi movies had me laughing aloud. INTERGALACTIC PAIN IN THE ASS together with its prequel INTERGALACTIC BAD BOYS has to be two of the most highly entertaining futuristic novels, I have ever had the pleasure to read. I sincerely hope that the very talented Ms Fox has another INTERGALACTIC book, in the very near future." Romance Junkies

"Five Angels! Intergalactic Pain In The Ass is a hot-blooded, rousing tale of ardor, love and adventure. Cole uses irritation to keep her distance from Sharmin until one fateful night that leaves her confused and aroused. Jaide Fox adeptly epitomizes the arrogance and insecurities that lead to a world of miscommunication and hurt. Intergalactic Pain In The Ass is a fast paced, unstoppable read. I hope that Jaide Fox quickly finishes the next story in her Intergalactic Mayhem Series. Her Vulkahns may come kidnap me any day." Dena, Fallen Angel Reviews

"Four Hearts! There is humor, action, suspense with lots of erotic action within the book. This is a follow-up to Intergalactic Bad Boys; having not read the first one, the reader’s understanding of this book was not affected. Ms. Fox has written a fast paced book with fun characters and non-stop action." Love Romances

"Four Roses! Intergalactic Pain in the Ass returns to the hilarious world of adventurers first seen in Intergalactic Bad Boys. Beyond the hilarity is a lovely romance complete with a surprisingly insecure hero, interesting secondary characters, and an intriguing universe of aliens." A Romance Review

"Intergalactic Pain In The Ass is one sensuously hot and hilariously funny romantic story. Jaide Fox has a unique talent of taking her readers on a wild adventure that you will find hard to forget. The story flows very smoothly; the characters are funny and very loveable. For readers who love a sci-fi romantic story filled with a bit (okay, a lot) of adventure and hot sizzling sex, then rush now and pick up Intergalactic Pain in the Ass by Jaide Fox." In the Library Reviews

INTERGALACTIC PAIN IN THE ASS

By

Jaide Fox

© copyright March 2004, Jaide Fox

Cover art by Eliza Black, © copyright March 2004

New Concepts Publishing

5202 Humphreys Rd.

Lake Park, GA 31636

www.newconceptspublishing.com

Chapter One

Space ... the final frontier.

And it looked just about as appealing too. Blackness here. Blackness over there. A few stars sprinkled in like grains of salt. Colette Marshall stared out the front view port of the space rocket and released a heavy breath.

She was bored.

"I wish you’d get out of the way. You’re blocking my view," came the irritated voice of Kerel Cadao behind her. She didn’t even have to look to know he was frowning at her. He had been ever since they’d taken off from Tanji, the capital city of Vulkahn. It was iffy who she disliked more—him or his cousin, Hauk. On the other hand, she could aggravate the hell out of Kerel and have some enjoyment.

Cole turned around with a do-you-mind? look, planted one hand on her ass and said, "My butt isn’t that big. Besides," –she shrugged, looking out at the window for emphasis before turning back— "there’s nothing to see anyway."

Kerel grunted and continued glaring at her until she moved and dropped into the copilot seat of the space ship.

"I don’t know why you don’t just let Bunny take over." Of course, Bunny didn’t seem like the most capable entity aboard for flying—what insane alien had named a computer Bunny?--but Kerel was getting on her nerves with all his stunt flying and speeding.

Kerel grunted again. He did that a lot.

Kerel Cadao was the ‘lucky’ S.O.B. who’d picked the shortest straw and had to take her home, back to Earth. She just wished they’d taken a faster ship than this pile of junk.

Of course, when they’d taken off, it had been a lot nicer. A few scrapes with asteroids and running at speeds above and beyond recommended levels hadn’t improved its condition. It clattered in protest from time to time, and though she’d always considered that she had nerves of steel, her nerves were really wearing thin on this trip. She expected any moment for the annoying computer to announce that they had three minutes to live because all the oxygen had leaked out.

Really, being royalty and whatnot, she would’ve thought he’d have the best of everything. What she strongly suspected though, was that that jerkwad Hauk Desal--Kerel’s cousin of all things--had given them this ship only to irritate her. It seemed the man lived only to torment her. He was the whole reason she’d gotten into this crap to start with any way. It still irked her that he was the first perp that had managed to thwart all her efforts at subduing him and managed to kidnap her from Earth.

She slanted a look at Kerel, who was frowning down at the controls. He looked enough like Hauk to thoroughly irritate her just by looking at him. If the guys at home knew how foul her disposition had gotten, she knew what they’d say—she needed a good screw to get the stick out of her ass. Men were such assholes.

Cole glared at Kerel.

"Honey," Bunny addressed Kerel in a purring, sex kitten voice. "Hyperocity engines have failed. Switching to auxiliary."

Kerel looked up at the intercom unit, surprise etched across his face. "What the hell? What did you do, Bunny?"

"There is a blockage in the fluid lines," Bunny murmured flirtatiously. Cole could practically imagine the computer batting her lashes.

Kerel scowled. "Bunny, stop it. This is serious. Can it be fixed with the engines running?"

Bunny didn’t answer.

"Bunny?" Kerel cursed for a few minutes before collecting himself enough he didn’t growl when he talked. "I should kick Hauk’s ass for putting a personality enhancement program in the ship. Okay, I’m sorry, Bunny. Did I hurt your feelings?"

Cole snorted.

Kerel glared at her.

"Yes, but you can make it up to me later," Bunny said.

Cole arched a brow at Kerel. He ignored her smirk and said, "Can the lines be fixed with the engines running?"

"No. Immobility is required to access the blockage. Hyperocity fluids are low. Warning! Coolant systems malfunctioning. Decreasing speed."

The ship shuddered like a toy in a toddler’s hand. Cole’s teeth chattered with the movement. Kerel looked mildly alarmed. Cole would’ve thought it funny if she hadn’t been so concerned herself.

"This is bad, isn’t it?" she asked, her voice wavering with the bumpy ride.

"We’re screwed. Damn Hauk and his little jokes! This ship was supposed to be in top running condition."

"It was until you engaged hyperocity above recommended levels, Honey," Bunny pointed out.

"Shut up, Bunny. I know what I’m doing."

"Of course you do, Honey."

Kerel glared at the intercom.

"We’re not going to die, are we?" Cole asked.

Kerel rolled his eyes, seeking patience. "No one is going to die but Bunny if she doesn’t get us out of this shit. Damn computers. Bunny isn’t good for anything but sex."

"Huh?"

Kerel turned red. "Uh … nothing. I said she’s not good for anything."

"Well, what do you want to do?" Cole asked, suppressing a grin at his lie. "What about Zampi?" she added as the thought occurred to her. She’d been checking the maps almost from the time they’d left the Nebulosium Galaxy, trying to figure out how long it would take to get home—interspersing her research with annoying questions to Kerel like: are we there yet?

Kerel held his chin with one hand, frowning in concentration down at the controls. "We’re not supposed to go there. Tor and Hauk forbid it after that shit you and Samantha got in to last time."

That wasn’t her fault and he knew it. How the hell was she and Samantha supposed to know that they’d get kidnapped by more aliens? Really, aliens didn’t seem to have anything better to do than running around abducting women.

Cole chose to ignore his last comment. "It was just a suggestion."

"Uh huh."

Cole glared at him. "Do you always do what you’re told? Besides, I don’t really relish the idea of spending any more time with you than I have to. I’m ready to go home. Now. At any rate, is there even another option besides stopping there?"

Cole got up and waved an arm at the front view port to emphasize her point. "I don’t see any gas stations we can walk to. And you know the escape pod isn’t good for anything but floating in space and waiting for someone to come rescue you, or plow through your pod."

Kerel groaned, seeming to recognize that he’d get no peace stuck with her in the middle of nowhere, and that they really didn’t have any other option but to limp to the closest port … and that was Zampi. She didn’t like it any better than he did, but she wasn’t going to waste the opportunity either.

Kerel fiddled with the controls and looked a long time at a computer screen that scrolled the weird Vulkahn language as if trying to make up his mind. He looked up at her after a few minutes. "All right. I guess we could limp there. It’s not too far. You have to promise to behave yourself though. I’m going to be keeping an eye on you."

"Whatever you say," she said. As if any man could keep up with her, especially Kerel. She tried very hard not to grin evilly, but a small smile slipped out. He gave her a suspicious look but faced the controls and set the heading for Zampi.

Smart man. Maybe he wasn’t a dumb blond after all?

Cole felt like rubbing her hands together. Knowing it was a dumb move to go back there couldn’t change her excitement--she was looking forward to this. She just wished the boys at the police station back home could see her in action--they’d been dumb enough to put her on desk duty of all things! And all because of one little mistake! The sexist jerks. Men were always afraid of a woman with skills.

It wasn’t that she was an idiot, ready to rush headlong into battle with a half a dozen giants. She knew her limits, and more than one was more than she could handle. In point of fact, since she’d been abducted she’d been working harder than ever on her training. She’d even learned how to use a few Vulkahn weapons and half ass fly a ship.

She didn’t see the harm in pointing it out to Kerel that Zampi was the only option since they had to go there anyway, even if they weren’t supposed to go there. Besides all that, she was really annoyed that as a cop, she’d been rendered pretty much without power and considered a nuisance more than any type of threat or worthy of even the most grudging respect.

She wasn’t sure she could do anything, or if she even dared, but she wanted to check out the lay of the land, so to speak. If nothing else, a good bar fight would improve her spirits. She felt pretty certain Kerel could guard her back in a fight. He could use an experience like that, the baby. This time, she was going to be the one kicking ass and taking names. The troglydons had no idea what they were in for.

It was time for a little payback.

* * * *

They’d barely limped into port when the ship gave out. It choked and dropped to the docking space like a tired old man collapsing into his LazyBoy recliner.

"That tears it. Guess we’ll be here a while," Kerel said as he unbuckled from his seat and got up. He stretched as he walked out of the cockpit. Cole sauntered behind him, following to the exit ramp.

"Well, I’ll go inside and check things out while you take care of business out here. Meet you inside!"

He stopped in his tracks and whirled on his heel, facing her. "No!"

Cole stopped just in time to keep from breaking her nose on his chest. She peered up at him. "What?" she asked innocently.

"You know what."

She laughed, shaking her head. "You’re worried about me, aren’t you?"

"I am not!" he said sulkily.

Cole grinned. "Yes, you are." She sidled against him, batting her lashes. He reacted as if she’d burned him and stumbled back, nearly falling to get away from her.

"And here I thought you didn’t care."

"No, Cole. You can’t go inside," he said emphatically, crossing his arms over his chest and blocking her path on the ramp. "It’s out of the question. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even look at it."

Cole tried to edge around him, but he wasn’t going for it. She sighed in exasperation. "Look, I can’t stand being in this cramped little ship any longer." It wasn’t like she was going to try anything … not right now. In fact, she wasn’t going to do anything until she was certain Kerel would be there to protect her ass, just on the off-chance that she needed his help. She wasn’t brainless.

Besides which, having the ship out of commission pretty much nullified any illusions of grandeur. She wasn’t about to try something brave and stupid without a route of escape. It never hurt to be prepared for the worst. And she was a girl who liked to be prepared for any eventuality.

Kerel said nothing. Even batting her lashes wasn’t working on him.

"Look, do you really want me under your ass while you get these repairs done?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "I can be more irritating than you’ll ever realize."

She could tell his willpower was wavering from the glazed look in his eyes. Whiny voices and ultimatums did that to men.

He threw up his hands. "All right. Just stop it. My head is going to explode. I’m taking you to the games room. You are not to leave it until I come and get you. Understand?"

"Of course. I’ve got a translator on, I’m not dumb, you know. You don’t have to spell it out for me or yell. I’ll behave--promise."

Kerel gave her a long, doubting look, but he finally turned around and led the way down the ramp and inside. The ovular door at the entrance spiraled open for them, and they stepped inside the bar.

It was just as bad as she remembered, maybe even worse. She didn’t remember it smelling this rotten--like fermenting gym socks. So much for the exciting image of the intergalactic cantina.

Kerel planted a hand on her shoulder and pushed her all the way through the bar, straight to the back, not even allowing her to get a good look in. She did manage to snatch a glimpse of a table full of the Troglydons. It was the same table as before. Obviously, they were regulars. At least, that’s what she supposed they were, she hadn’t really gotten that good a look. That blood red skin would be recognizable anywhere, though.

"Wait, can’t I get a drink? I’m thirsty!" Cole protested, squirming in Kerel’s hold and breaking free just long enough to confirm her suspicions. They were definitely Troglydons. Excitement and a rush of fear infected her. God, she loved being scared.

Kerel caught her and dragged her back, heading for the door. "No," he said, punching the keypad and leading her down a hall. Doors lined it, spaced intermittently, and one large door stood at the end. Kerel took her to it, opened the door, and nudged her inside none too gently.

Cole ground to a halt and whirled around, looking at him. He stopped in his motion to close the door. "Wait, shouldn’t you leave me a weapon in case something bad happens?"

He smirked annoyingly at her, staying his hand at the keypad. "If you stay in here, you won’t need one. Just my little way of making sure you behave."

The door sealed shut in front of her face, just missing her nose.

Great, just great. Cole stared at the metal door in annoyance, trying to cool down and keep a level head. If that wasn’t the stupidest line of reasoning, she didn’t know what was. Why would he assume she’d be safe if she didn’t have a weapon?

She wasn’t going to let something like no weapon get in her way. She was a lethally trained machine all by herself. Weapons were only superfluous. She wasn’t that terribly good at hitting a target with the alien thingamadoodles anyway.

Besides, she’d already made up her mind that she wasn’t going to do anything ... yet. She didn’t need a weapon for reconnaissance. She just had to sneak in to the bar and check them out, see where their ship was, what they were doing. She was fairly confident they wouldn’t even notice her. True, she didn’t look like anyone else out there, but she was a shrimp compared to all the aliens. They’d probably never even notice her among them. People had a habit of ignoring the short, and she had no reason to believe anyone here would be any different from Earthlings.

And any rate, looking around, the "game" room didn’t offer much in the way of entertainment. Nothing worked in this crap hole.

After checking everything out, she determined that there was more entertainment to be had in that broken down tub than in here.

To hell with it, she thought after a quarter hour had passed. She was pretty certain Kerel was gone and not waiting just outside to catch her disobeying him. Trying not to hold her breath, she punched the button to open the door and stepped out. The hall was empty. The lights flickered on and off. A few close to the other end went out entirely.

What a dump.

A wicked thought occurred to her. That ass, Kerel, needed a lesson. She thought maybe she’d sneak out and give him a good scare while he was under the ship making repairs. Cole chuckled, imagining his face as she strode down the hall, whistling off key and feeling more confident than she had in a couple months.

At least here among the scum of the universe, she felt a little more in her element. She walked a beat before desk duty, and she’d always enjoyed catching bad guys. Maybe someday she could do something to help clean up the universe … especially if she researched the slave traders. In the end, she knew her efforts would be appreciated. She had no idea why some universal police force hadn’t cleaned this place out long ago, anyway. Maybe later she could help set up some kind of special force for this purpose.

Cole frowned, thinking about that. There wasn’t going to be a later. She was going home for good, as hard as it was to believe that she’d finally be home. She wondered if she’d even have a job when she got back, or if they’d just written her off as a missing person. Certainly no one had tried to stop that ass, Hauk, from toting her off. They’d probably had a party after everything went down.

Cole shrugged mentally, attempting to keep her cool as she walked through the shadowy area of the hall. Getting worked up about her future wasn’t going to help her right now. She reached for the keypad to open the door to the bar.

Something grabbed her from behind, clamped onto her shoulders. She startled, looked down just in time to see red skinned fingers digging into her arm before the lights went out completely.

* * * *

"Oh shit!" Kerel said, ejecting a mouthful of food on the words before he could choke. He leapt to his feet, upending the table as he jumped from his chair. Dashing past the bodies closing in on him from the overview restaurant, he raced through the crowd, barely taking his eyes off the view panel as he ran.

The troglydons were headed straight up the entrance ramp to their ship with Cole thrown over the shoulder of one of them.

Heart thundering in his ears, he exploded through the narrow opening of the diner’s entrance doors, racing down the hall, tripping and half sliding down the stairs. The exit onto the landing pad was at the bottom. He slammed into the door with his shoulder, grasping the lock and turning, barely waiting for the door to crank and hiss open. He burst through the opening just in time to see the landing dock entrance close.

"Fuck!" he yelled, breathlessly racing toward his ship. He thundered up the ramp inside, punching the button to close the gangplank, chugging down to flight control. Slamming into the cockpit, he collapsed in the pilot seat, hitting the buttons that would achieve lift off, gunning the accelerator and the refractor crystal to fire the engines. The engine didn’t so much as grunt.

"Shit!" He reset the buttons, yelling at the computer, "Get me off the ground, Bunny!"

"Honey, the fuel lines were disconnected to release the blockage," Bunny said almost worriedly.

"Fuck!" he yelled again, kicking the base cabinet, dropping his face in his hands. He took a deep, shuddering breath, calming the race of his heart.

They were going to kill him.

Fuck! He didn’t care how damned repetitive he was getting, it was his favorite Earth expression and seemed to be appropriate for this situation. Hell. Damn. Shit. Fuck.

He was stalling.

Sighing into his hands one last time, Kerel straightened up and gathered his nerve to call Vulkahn, his home planet. He punched in speed dial and was connected within minutes.

Stupidly, he realized he hadn’t thought of a good excuse to give when Tor Severian’s face came into view on the computer screen, blinking at him blearily. Good. He’d been sleeping. That ought to make it easier to lie to him and get away with it.

"What the hell are you calling me at this hour for, Kerel?" Tor croaked, rubbing his eyes.

Kerel rubbed his foot on the floor paneling, trying to think of how best to broach the subject that he’d screwed up … royally. "Uh … there’s been some trouble." Hell, he just didn’t think fast on his feet with an empty stomach.

"Where are you?" Tor asked suspiciously.

"We’re at Zampi. The trogs have taken the girl."

That was all he needed to say. Tor roared something unintelligible into the communication unit. He stopped suddenly, looking behind him. "Nothing to worry about, shertouj. Go back to sleep. I will be back in bed shortly."

Tor looked back at him and whispered, "How did this happen?"

"The ship broke down. We had to stop for repairs. Someone suggested Zampi." Great, that made him sound mature.

"Someone? There are—were only the two of you!" Tor looked at Kerel like a kid who’d just taken a piss on his shoes. "If I’d known you were going to be a dumbass and do whatever she wanted, I’d have just sent Galan or Bradan. You’re supposed to be the smart one."

Kerel flinched mentally. He was at fault. He knew it, and his damned sarcastic wit had deserted him. He didn’t feel like the "smart one".

"Okay, you’re at Zampi. Now, what exactly has happened?" Tor demanded quietly.

"I … uh…." He didn’t want to tell Tor he’d left the girl alone and had been having lunch when he happened to notice a trog toting a kicking, punching, and probably screaming Cole out and into a troglydon ship. "I’m not really sure. It happened very fast," Kerel hedged.

Tor grunted, obviously disbelieving him. "It doesn’t matter now. I’ll let Hauk know what happened. You’ll be damned lucky if Hauk doesn’t shoot your ass when you come home."

That was the last place he’d be going any time soon. "You want me to come back as soon as I get the ship repaired? I could help find her."

"I think you’ve screwed up enough, thank you. Go to Earth and do what you were supposed to—send word to Sam’s family that she’s okay." He paused a minute, rubbing his chin. "You should probably go see Cole’s family, too. You should be able to handle that without fucking up, right?" Tor asked, giving him a hard look.

Kerel frowned. "It wouldn’t have happened this time if I hadn’t been chosen to take her back. She was Hauk’s problem—he should have been the one to bring her home to start with since he was the one who took her."

Tor waved it away. "Yeah, but it was your brilliant idea to break into the earthling prison. Anyway, you and I both know why he wouldn’t. Just don’t screw up again. If anything’s happened to Cole, you better find a good, deep hole to hide in … or some planet that’s not under the Federation, like Earth."

Kerel shuddered, closing the connection down to the sound of Tor’s laughter. No damned way in hell would he ever stay on Earth.